To the World

Sometimes my love runs as deep and blue as the ocean and
then as shallow and jagged as the bank of a stream.
Understanding and gratitude can fill my heart or make me shutter with remorse
There is peace on days that I fall back onto myself, into myself, that I embrace.

The unseen

When I truly listen to myself I know that the answers to my happiness are within and having the strength and creativity to believe in the unseen is the path. 

As I listen to the voices within I find that the negative voices have a purpose as well--to drive me into the truth of myself.  To push me toward the discomfort of the present into the harshness and fear of the pain and as I come through to the other side I'm greeted by the love that is present in my life. 

And at this very moment the light of my life Braedyn walks to me wraps his arms around my working body and offers his plea. 

"I want you to cuddle with me." 

Eyes gazing upward and mouth open to my answer. 

YES.

I'm different--

Oh, my favorite part of being, of moving, of existing!  The sensation of "feeling"  different.  A sense of taking a bite of a forbidden fruit and ingesting the magic of the taste, the essence of a something sensation.

That's how I feel after vacation, as though I have "drank from the punch"(if you don't know what that means, I can't help you) changed and changed shape into the directness of this time.  Returning from vacation I feel bright. whole and connected to a deep sense of me.  One that rests on the top of my heart, right near the ventricle.  The space where the breath enters my lung.  I've danced that ballet, the use of the heart as it encompasses the life and generates it outward.  I was held in a glass cubicle with smoke pumped into the cube, and I with and without a gas mask, danced in time with the elements.  I hope that I sparked a piece of brilliance in a mind.  The choreographer was a successful engineer who was working on a heart for transplant patients.  I wonder if my sense of that experience affected a heart whether nature made or man made. 

I practiced letting my lungs hang within me.  I let them take up immense space within my small torso with high hips and leg bones, emotion and reprieve.  Throat long and loose, sending breath to the lung, as it hung and I marched or walked or hiked into the 30minute zone.  Looking at the clock? yes, making good time.  Take deep breaths, deep breaths into those lungs of mine. 


It sounds poetic until you try walking 2 miles in that mindset.  Taking  your best person forward.  Free from the ego that moves bodies through space on the sidewalk, into and out of my life.  Posing as representations of what my body should be able to achieve, while I work with the material I have at my fingertips at my toe prints.  I'm working.  I'm moving and working and sharing and reaching and being and loving and losing and learning and most of all feeling.  I was feeling something different.  Different, I'm different and I'm fine.

The Love of my Aunt Carolyn flows through you like fireworks!

I saw my Auntie Carolyn, it has been four years since I have hugged her and that becomes important only when you've known one her hugs and it comes through you like the rain.  Clear and straight and to your heart.  MOtion and MOntioned on forward.   Pressing you on to your best, your destiny, children safe beneath the tree.  Warm and sure like July's storm of sunshine, sweet and destined to your eyes.  Clear and precious for the path to be laid upon you before your feet. I love my Auntie through and through till all ends upon the dunes.

A Much Needed Day of Inner Working

I wasn't the most chipper when I rose today, but I have had a wonderful day!  It was full of tasks and work related items that I desperately needed to accomplish.  I have virtually organized my work tasks, physically reorganized my personal space and feel de-cluttered on the inside as well. 

I did not feel that effects of my day spent with the sunshine yesterday, but I did feel them today! The splash of energy that started rolling through me around 12pm-until 10:30pm was much needed and honored.  It had a direct reflection and relevance to my life, my health and my path as opposed to the work that I accomplish for others.

As a family we shared joined space, sharing lunch and dinner with each other.  Later in the evening we shared private time, each focusing on ourselves in a communal space.  Our apartment is a traditional vintage set up and we use every inch with care.

I love not having to cook dinner and tonight Chris made a new chicken and zucchini recipe with rice and corn that was very satisfying.  Something new this week, I purchased desert, apple turnovers.  Currently they are warming in the oven!  So on that note I promised myself that I would be in bed by 11pm tonight.  Chow my friends!

Just Plain blah!

It's one of those days where I feel blah and unconcerned with feeling better.  I'm dragging myself out of the house into the sunshine to see if it helps.  I've applied my sunscreen, have a couple of dollars in my pocket and am optimistic about the rest of the day.  That's a start!

It is the value of my breath, not the depth

I find myself breathing, breathing deeply and enjoying the value of the breath.  I think back to the workshop with Mme Peff when she described the shape of my lungs inside my chest and the volume of the lung as well as the attachment onto the ribs.  I remember falling in and out of a sleeping pattern during this workshop.  My breath took me to the edge and her voice would pull me back when I would hear a cue regarding the volume of my lungs.  The "volume of the lungs" it continues to ring inside me!  It is this thought that continues to drive me further into the breath.  I find myself resolving toward healthy breath while driving as I contemplate the volume of the noise clutter that I encounter on the roads of Chicago, IL.  Weaving through the days events highlighted by the light of resolution as I exhale.

To the Man I Love-I Appreciate All That You Do

Working through some thoughts earlier about my own father I began to think about my relationship with my partner.  Do I appreciate and show appreciation for his role as a father? Do I have an honest understanding of his place in life and his contribution to our family?  As I did with my own father years ago, do I underestimate the magnitude of his impact and the force of his love and effort?

I calculate in my relationship when it comes to parenting.  I gave bath, he can do story, I cooked dinner, he can clean up, etc.  It is a resolution that I am trying to achieve, to stop counting and comparing.  I treat our commitments like a debit card.  I keep unloading the credits without giving much attention to the deposits until I realize that I'm on empty.  I pull, push and maneuver the tasks so that they meet the expectations that I think are important to both of us, without really asking if they are.

I hope to create a new understanding of the complexities that my partner faces in fatherhood.  I want to ask the right questions so that I feel more educated about his feelings.  The difficult part is that I don't know if he needs the same.  He is confident, assured and resilient in his fatherhood.  He has strong ideas and strong actions that he chooses to share with our son on his own.  It doesn't seem like he struggles as I do.  He has balance, and acceptance and confidence in his choices.

By pushing less will it show him that I respect him more?  Where is the balance and what are the right questions to ask?  I want to show my appreciation everyday for the wonderful man and father that he is.  What actions provide that type of gratitude?

Happy Father's Day!

It is on Father's Day that I marvel at my Dad's ability to put up with all of my shit!  Wow, the things that I put this man through and the lack of gratitude that I showed him in my teenage years.  I never understood as a young child or a young adult how hard, disciplined and determined he needed to be in order to provide such a wonderful life for us.  My father has literally shown me the world through travel, education and love.

Now that I'm a parent and I understand the pressure, tension and desire to be a good parent I understand my father.  I can't go back and change decisions, actions or ideas that I used to share with the world, but I can move forward and create new understanding and gratitude.  On a day like today I wish that I could hug my father in person, rather than virtually.

Stretching the ties to your self control

Here it is again the conflict.  The lack of understanding combined with the willingness to learn to manage.  I often reflect on the qualities that I'm lacking in my communication and relationship skills.  So today I am taking the opportunity to commend the qualities of myself that I admire.

I forgive those who have hurt or spoken harshly to me.
I speak from the heart about matters of the heart.
I offer a shoulder and a hand to a friend in need with a smile and a hug.
I recognize the wealth of humanity within me and find ways to express and share it.
I learn to think before I speak.
I try to not take things personally.
People don't hurt me or make me sad, I choose to be hurt and I choose to be sad.
I need the sunshine to lift my spirits.
I need the moonlight to refill my vessel.
I long for romance and poetry everyday.
I hope for warmth and comfort from the arms of the man I love.
I breath.
I respond.
I decide how to move forward with instinct.
I honor myself.

The Timing of Change

So often I find myself longing for change, asking for change to take place in my life and hoping that things will be different.  The interesting thing about asking for change is that the universe will respond.
The trouble about asking for change is that you are not always prepared for the form that it will take.  We can't take the X factor, the unknown out of the plan.  We can't write and arrange the unfolding of the experience to meet our expectations or demands.  I continue to challenge myself to not have demands and to not have expectations, but to live for the moment.  I question though, how I am supposed to plan and perpetuate changes in my life without having expectations or a plan?  The law of attraction is at work and I am just looking forward to understanding it best.

The Decrease of Energy After A Performance

The lights, music, audience, drama, the unexpected.  These are the elements of a dance concert that make the aftermath, the 2 days following a concert, seem a little dull and boring.  You look forward to the time away from the responsibilities of the studio and students, but the adrenaline created a natural "feel good vibe"!  Here are some great ideas to deal with inevitable decline in energy.

Concentrate on getting outside in the sunshine.  Become reacquainted with your local parks, libraries and favorite places to pick up a treat.  Consider walking over to a neighborhood restaurant for lunch or appetizers.  Heading out for appetizers will make it feel like a vacation!

Like most performers and professionals the creative ideas are flowing after seeing your community performance.  Use a sketch book or journal to document your thoughts and ideas regarding next year's performance.

Create an opportunity to meditate in your studio space and use sage to "clear the space".  If you are heading into a summer program take this opportunity to remove school year type material from the space to create a shift in dynamics and energy.

Treat yourself to a Master Class in your local community.  Take this opportunity before the summer program begins to recreate the sense of being a student within yourself!

After such an intense experience it is important to continue to receive the praise and congratulations from your students, parents and teachers.  Take advantage of social media and use the momentum of your success to energize members.  With Facebook postings, your school blog, Linkedin and personal emails share information about your Summer Program with personal emails, thank you notes and an end of the school year meeting for staff and teachers.

Stretching the ties to yourself control

I am stretching the ties to myself.

Pulling myself out of bed

I've always dreamed that I would  be like one of those Disney girls, jumping out of bed, singing a song of love.  Smiling, they are always smiling. 

I am not smiling when I wake.  I have to drag myself out of my very vivid dreams.  Lately they are fantasies that I wish I were living and very hard to leave.  Last night I lived as a magical dancing spirit, feet fluttering and soaring.  Waking from that dream and dragging my tired, sore and crinkly body out of bed was miserable.  My eyes seemed sealed shut, my back hardly straight, my tummy flipping. Coffee in hand, I ignore my resolution to drink two liters of water before anything else.  So, I already feel the guilt of failing and not following through. 

I muster up the courage to get dressed, improve my mood and wake up Little B.  The compassion rips at my heart as I then force B to do the same thing that I just had to do...wake from his dreams.  And similar to me he is not happy to have been woken.  He moans and cries while I dress him, carry him to the couch where the sun can warm him up.  He drinks a little juice, turkey bacon for the car ride, though he doesn't eat it.  I tell him when we are settled in the car that I understand exactly how he feels!  I say with much enthusiasm that we are going to have a most wonderful and exciting day.  I let that sink in and a couple of minutes later I turn back to tell him "I love you."  He squirms in his seat and utters, with his thumb in his mouth and a smile on his face.  "I LOVE YOU!"

Tomorrow I'll remind myself when I can't get out of bed that the first I LOVE YOU of the day is the most special part. Maybe that is what I should be dreaming about.  I can leave the smiles and the singing to the professionals and just put my foot on the floor and breath.

i just want to be a fairy

That's how my journal entry begins.  Years and years ago, in a time when I understood the gentle concept of love, the warmth of only my angst, and the careful sling of my family.  I just want to be a fairy dancing in a ballet again.  I am believing that if I imagine myself so, whether I am dead or alive--That is what I'll be.  A Willi in the the treetops.  A princess in rags or jewels waiting for the touch a a fairy, the touch of me. 

I am springing and

twirling and

flying arms

pumping

in my

dreams

keeping me a float

for a joke, mega seconds it seems

the breath

mistakes me, leaves me up, emote, unseen, unheard, underneath

lift me up to the treetops and I stream my gaze upon the green and lush with a patch of barren

that I can't seem to do with much

The Dream

the toast

the warmth

the fog

the uncertainty

and

make believe

of that place

I call HOME

that I search to find,

always in me.

Over and Under, over in the breeze, clinging from the rooftops, the treetops, the clifftop,

child in hand,

mystery in mark,

destiny lifted

an opened

and received

and given

and sent back

with three.  To the place the place of my tree,

open stride,

open pride,

open door to me and over andagain andunder me.

Ever again in my mind

scratching my body for some relief--go to the place where the gravestone lay.  So I walk, I ride and stumble by and then press on the path so effortlessly high.  Up to the hilltop of my fairytale in tow be me

beneath the quake of the roaring sea. 

And transfixed on the eye in the cavern,

in the sky.

I glance upon my eye

a ship of great weight

and of such great size. 

Amidst the wide ocean

my heart lay on the dream

and lost in the loves of the deeep dark sea--ME.

Back to the barre where I breath for the time

waiting

for love

to come

back if I am around.

Whited out,

backed,

upon the plank

of my deep darkened fear. 

Crippled,

injected,

set rest

to mend

tender. Her discontent for the dance is the meddler with spice and grief and good times of three.

mend Mend  mend

and alter this tree, this, this land land, this crop, this drop!

One Drop and Screw

this is a job

the will will outdo

the rest of you. 

Out on the scene with 5 stories to represent. 

I masked under pressure

and fell without rescue

from the heavens. 

Dancing without

a strength. 

Thinking Of My Guardian Geronimo--We walked Together Everyday!

Thinking of my best mate who has passed, Geronimo.  He was a 115lbs. black German Shepard with a white tuft of hair in the shape of a star on his chest.  I was gifted him on a rode trip when I was 18 years old and he died 3 years ago while I was in RI celebrating Christmas with my family. 

I had left him at a new kennel, close to work so I could pick him up as soon as possible when we got back into town.  I remember that ominous morning.  I was frustrated that I had to drive him out in the snow, he wanted to walk more, hug more and he cried when I dropped him off at the kennel.  I had this funny feeling inside as they took him away and the kennel supervisor made me feel silly for worrying about him.  I tried to leave a toy for him, but she said no!  I reminded her that he can get very nervous being in a kennel and to please pay close attention to him.  I remember that soft look he would gave me when I left him, I should have listened to that voice inside me that said DO NOT LEAVE!

The phone call came the day after Christmas.  She said he had died.  I was broken and guilt ridden. What had happened to him?  She didn't know they found him in the morning. 

So it feels awkward to walk alone, to not hear the barking, to not get the sloppy kisses.  The last couple of years having Geronimo was a challenge.  Our apartments were older, smaller and we needed to spend the extra money for a yard.  He had lime disease as a puppy and the damage to his nervous system which made him edgy, loud and nervous quite often.  He shed and was messy.  We even talked about finding him a new home for the last years of his life.  I had this magical fantasy that he could be running on a farm in the country chasing squirrels and little creatures as fast a he could.  Swimming in a lake--one of his favorite pastimes, hiking the mountains, biting the water spraying out of a hose, beg for scraps of meat, lazing next to a good friend on his side as you rubbed his chest and head.  He loved sleeping in the bed, licking my face, looking tenderly in my eyes, saving me from deep depression after a breakup, traveling cross country in my Dodge Neon many times.  I used to joke that in a past life we were mates because he was furiously jealous and protective as he would look wounded when I had a boyfriend and would cuddle without him.  So I'm posting this famous poem in remembrance of the very lucky and graced time that I spent with him.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Repeating A Task Til It Becomes Routine

It's happening!  I'm beginning to feel the sensation of satisfaction from moving my body in space.  I'm accepting the reality of my present situation and therefor when changes happen ever so small like today I'm noticing.

It happened when I was "working out" at home, I felt what I like to call, "the kick".  It's a feeling that you get about 15 minutes in where you begin to feel the propulsion of your pelvis through space.  I even had moments where I felt like I was on my leg.  I was also able to identify the moments when I was not and took the time to  make the shift and realign.  It begins with relaxing the calves and allowing them to reach toward the floor providing gravity a muscle group to pull down on.  Then I literally moved my greater trochanter forward about 2 inches and exhaled.

I must admit though, the best portion of my work out happened when I remembered the sensation of my breathing from the Feldenkrais work out that I engaged in this weekend at Visceral Dance with Mme Peff (http://www.movementprocessforliving.com).  The extraordinary and useful findings.  I was able to maintain a calm breathing style whole moving with intensity.  I concentrated on the relaxation of my rhythm and the ease of my breath.  It was a wholesome feeling to realize that regardless of the impact of my activity I could maintain the integrity of my breath.

For the first time in years I am looking forward to tomorrow's physical engagement and the newness to be discovered.  Will tomorrow be the day that I can reach my head to my knees while stretching?  This is the sensation that I am striving for each day.  As silly as it sounds this is one of the actions that my body internally longs to revisit and that I measure my fitness worth by.   

How Do I Make Myself More Accountable?

I enjoy keeping my word to friends and family, I have no trouble keeping a secret and I value the relationship between thought and action.  Although, when it comes to my own health and perspective I give myself slack!  I will make and change the rules as I see fit.  Today it's OK to drink soda or 6 cups of coffee, tomorrow depending on my mood it isn't.  What is it about being able to change the rules when I see fit or choose to?  Is it a character flaw, or a lack of discipline?

My first instinct is to question my desire to control.  There are so many elements of my life that I don't feel that I have control of.  As I mature it troubles me.   In the past I would simply find some comforting quote or phrase to give validity to the lack of interest I had in controlling, manipulating or choosing the path.  I enjoyed flying with chance in the moment and trusting in the universe's reliability on my flexibility to see me through safely and happily.  Interestingly enough, that in itself seems false.  Like many I moved through experiences with bodily injury, emotional pain and mental torment.  Particularly that of the artist giving without thought to any choreographer, project or improvisation that needed or hoped to manipulate, dissect and engage my body and spirit.   Ruthlessly pushing, giving, receiving, striving, trying, feeling, believing, but not understanding with any sense of maturity the outcome that my decisions and choices would have on my life, my future.  It was always about the moment.

So back to the choices, that desire to live in the moment.  To indulge in the sensation that one feels automatically with impulse, with desire.  Presently I attempt to see all sides of the situation and make the most informed decision.  Paralyzing myself in the fear of making the wrong choice, the inappropriate decision.  I hope to no longer cause pain, grief or harm to my parents and family by simply following my gut, my intuition.  I never intended to for that to happen in the first place and now with new choices, how to avoid it. 

The new resolution I am present in is how do I cherish the ideals of my pre-parent self with the wisdom of the present with that joy of living in the moment?  How do I reclaim the courage to simply do because it feels right without worrying and grieving over the thought of a consequence?

Commonly Unique

The experience of taking a Feldenkrais workshop with Mme Peff is fulfilling and engaging.  It offers privacy in a public setting, where you can engage in a spiritual conversation with your essence, subtle body as well as your physical body.  The calmness and attention that you pay to the leaders voice as she directs and suggests provides room for discovery and space for new patterns of movement. 

Today when I returned home after the workshop I was hungry, tired and in need of a nap.  The hunger and need to sleep are a sign that your nervous system is integrating all of the information you have taken in and are currently processing and registering.  The sleep that I engage in is soothing and provides a velvety sensation behind my eyes as I continue to unfold within the breath.  I surrender to the relaxation of my heavy body and contented thoughts and slumber until my eyes flutter open and the first thought to my mind is the breath.

These experiences provide me the opportunity to examine without judgement the truths of my body as I lie in a surrendered state on the floor.  I always bring a blanket in case I feel a chill,  I remain patient through the restless leg sensations and I close the door to the ego chatter.  I have an opportunity to reflect on the commonness of my uniqueness.  I have this overwhelming sensation of being deeply connected to the concept that we are all unique and distinct and that is something we have in common.  This sense of connectivity reminds me to have the courage to engage in life and friendship and to engage in the common uniqueness that I have to offer.

NOW I FEEL GREAT Feldenkrais® Workshop

FIRST SUNDAY OF THE MONTH

Visceral Dance Studio
2820 N Elston Ave
Chicago, IL

Call 773-772-1771 for registration

• June 5, 20111 NOW MY BREATHING FEELS GREAT
• August 7, 2011 NOW MY BACK FEELS GREAT

Renew · Refresh · Revitalize

Feldenkrais® Workshops are designed to bring you to a clear sense of how you move and then , by gentle, slow movement, allow you to find the most comfortable, efficient way to improve the fluidity and elegance of all your movement.
Movement is the breath and the Feldenkrais® Method improves the quality of your breathing, and therefore, improves the quality of your function.
Please wear comfortable clothing and bring a mat and a towel.

The Wonder of Time

The highlight of my day was watching my son dance and manipulate movement.  He has that no fear attitude that I previously lived by.   The give it all you have thought process that makes being in the moment valuable and honest.

The Glory of a Sunny Day!

As I begin to increase my mobility, flexibility and responsibility to my physical vessel, I look for those activities that I truly enjoy.  The actions that I honestly feel compelled to participate in on a daily basis.  A desire and love for the simple and the authentic tend to find there way to the top of the list.  

The present goal is to find a means of dancing everyday.  Many people comment that working out at home and dancing at home are a great way to accomplish that.  As a professional dancer who devoted thirty plus years to the studio, I beg to differ.  For this dancer it is challenging to create a classroom experience at home.  Dancing at home tends to become very social, the space is limited and I'm usually engaged in contact improvisation with my young son.  In his words the other day as we experimented with movement--"I'm going to dance what's in my heart and feel it!".

That is the sensation that I only find at home when everyone is asleep, the candles are lit and I move through space with the integrity of finding what's in my heart and moving through it hopefully toward creation.  The goal is to begin to feel that in the studio through choreography and invention.  To find what I refer to as the Wheel of Invention.  That space where mind, body, soul and intention flow through each other creating a vitality within the very core of me. 

Wasteful thoughts

I'm thinking about an imaginary place that I can store my ego chatter, my negative feelings and useless anxiety.  If I were to imagine this imaginary dumping ground for my crap, what would it look like.  The color purple comes to mind and a vast sphere circled in golden twine, just three times.  The color purple has a reputation for indicating good judgement and spiritual fulfillment.  It is said that surrounding your energetic field in purple stimulates peace of mind. There is a sense of magic that the color invokes, a sense of royalty and warmth.  In mediation the Crown chakra is symbolized by the color violet.  So it is an active possibility.  A pull toward meditation in order to achieve a higher understanding of self, imagination and a decreased sense of tension--a virtual dumping ground for my waste.

Small Steps Toward a Big Challenge!

As I thought about moving with vitality today I realized that my mood and temperament can be considered the biggest threat to my success and happiness.  I am easily pleased and easily displeased. I am sensitive towards energy, my physical body and the discomfort that I can feel. Discomfort varies day to day and it travels through different body parts, joints and actions. 
So today I concentrated on pedestrian movements and in particular those movements directly related to the comforts of something physical, my home.  As I tidied up, organized and scrubbed, the discomfort traveled with me from task to task.  My son and I had a brilliant lunch, put our feet up for about a half hour and then I realized a truth.  I felt emotionally ready for the task of body maintenance and I enjoyed the routine of stretches and bends.  I used gravity to continue to ground my muscles and my spirit.  So it wasn't a day for high energy or high spirits, but it was a day that I found some light and relief in the ordinary and the simple.

It Began Long Ago and I Ignored

It was about 3 years ago that I officially stopped dancing and moving.  The money, time and new career that I had begun made it impossible to dance.  Well, the truth is I made it impossible.  I had exhausted my reserve and in the place of joy other elements of life slipped into my kineosphere.

The story comes full circle.  Six months ago I met a Feldenkrais teacher that would work on the neurology and I started to reconstruct.   First the spirit.  I started to assess all of the good and value that existed in my daily life.  I re-established contact with friends and began to share again the details of my life and the "truths of me".  

Two months ago I stepped back to the barre and that is where the journey continues.  The realization that a day not danced is a day not lived for me.  I'm a better mother, partner and friend now that I took the First Step again.